Short naughty verses and poems for my 50th hub

Never thought I would reach my 50th hub. It took me about a month's time after signing up with Hubpages before I gather the courage to write my first hub. The continuing experience has provided me with the opportunity to learn from others here at Hubpages and your kind support have given me the encouragement to explore further whatever writing abilities might be lying dormant within me. Thank you.

My first choice for my 50th hub....with a chuckle or two in mind.....

50 IDEAS FOR A HUBPAGES "HOW TO" ARTICLE

How to puke your guts out with the proper etiquette

How to tie knots in cherry stems using your tongue

How to save on rent by living in a child's treehouse

How to be a successful moocher and still retain your friends

How to prepare your 25th wedding anniversary dinner for two under ten dollars (includes the candlelights)

How to be a practical joker within the legal boundaries

How to make love to your wife while falling asleep (without her noticing it)

How to use your neighbor's trash cans for constructive anger management

How to use a toothpick for proper oral hygiene (and save on dentist bills)

How to train your dog to use the neighbor's lawn to do his pooh-pooh without getting caught

How to avoid jail while doing imaginative and creative deductions on your IRS financial returns ......

But ideas kept popping up and I realize that the number would exceed fifty.....so I'll reserve them for my 100th hub :))

HAIKU

1
Silence

A well spring beyond
the roaring noise,in zazen
calm mind meditates

2
Thirsty

A reflective pool
the mind in contemplation
can wait, I'm thirsty

3
Season's wrinkles

Mirror reflecting
the passing of the seasons
reveal my wrinkles

4
Gentle breeze

God's love like a leaf
floating on a breeze,gently
upon my shoulder

5
A warm smile

Through the cloudy sky
sunlight comes to warm my heart
as I watch you smile

6
Pearls before swine

Throw pearls before swine
South sea pearls,beautiful and
expensive, OINK :@)

7
Touching

My soul breathe again
as your subtle touch bring back
the life in my veins

8
Illusion

Like a sufi's dance
the world swirling around me
a mind's creation

9
In memorial

Submerge memories
in a garden of stones, tears
for myself alone

REFLECTIONS

10
Meditating

Silent reeds around the pond
A gentle breeze stirs the Koi beneath
Stone Buddha in zazen,unmoved

11
Contemplation

Beneath the tranquil banyan,
a pool of quiet reflection
Devoid of life's illusions
True path to bliss,Nirvana

12
Soul

Soar high and free, l'aigle noir
above and beyond the grieving
moon
hidden 'neath the dreary clouds
in silent vigil,a dying rose

13
Requiem

Twilight soon comes to dim,
breathe at last the final rays
an afterglow still lingers on
beyond our faith does God exist?

14
Homeward

Above the sea of clouds,
the gods gather on mt.Olympus
as dusk comes shaded in auburn gold,
weary mortals head for home

COMIC RELIEF

15
Bouquet for my wife

Life is trials and tribulation
there would be weeds among the flowers
so bundle them together
I'll take them home to the wife :-)

16
Fly me to the moon

At home a nagging wife
and a menagerie of unruly brats
a cacophonic symphony
of noise and confusion

Book me on the next flight
and fly me to the moon
to live among the stars
you are NOT the one that
I once worship and adored :)

17
Hair today gone tomorrow

Its takes a brave soul
to face each day baldly
no pun intended
but put on your hairpiece
the office girls do notice :)

18
Sex tours

Roses and chocolate
evoke such sweet thoughts
With the extra poundage
love flies out the window
To navigate around you
was becoming too stressful :)

SEX EUPHEMISM

19
The difference

Audacious man,
predacious
Mendacious,
woman voracious


20
Networking

He's incline
she reclines

They align
Just stay inline

Don't realign
we'll soon go.... on line


21
Fun with Dick and Jane

In amorous anticipation
Dick rises to the occasion
but as the moon recedes
so does Dick
last night's intimacy
gone in the brightness of day

22
Silent Reed :)

A flower blossom
gather the bees
white crane standing
on one leg
The wind across
a silent reed
give life
to my lover's melody

23
The act
(His version)

Venus rising...

Fantasy of sensual pleasure
her quiet moan gives way to
a seductive invitation
beyond hungry kisses
for the serpentine probing
of forbidden crevices

24
The act
(Her version)

His excitement growing,Oh..
"make love to me" I whisper
in silent anticipation

Pressing kisses
tongue teasing
fingers speaking
probing softly.....

A million stars
exploding...deep within
two universe
in blissful union

LOVE AND ROMANCE

25
Drifting memories

Stardust from the distant past
a canopy of memories
softly lulls me into sleep
love portion in bottled dreams
precious moments slowly
drifting away

26
Evening shadows

Live life to the fullest
give all to love
moments are fleeting
soon they depart

When the fading horizon
gives way to evening's
melancholy shadows
nothing is left
but pain and sorrow


27
Of love...and hate

She lures the poet within
spellbound,a heart in love
overflows with songs and verse
Offerings of a joyous soul....

Neglect and indifference
a loving heart turn cold as ice
warm and heat now a dying ember
a fading picture of the distant past

28
When love comes near

I see the sparkle in your eyes
the warmth of your smile
Alas! I cannot stay
Someone else holds your heart

29
Playful lover

In idyllic abandon
the evening stars
gaze down upon us

A gentle kiss
a lingering touch
night's intimate silence
give way to the mirth
of playful lovers


30
Marry me?

High up on clouds
weaing a silly grin on my face
a rambling love song
sung off key with a dance routine
just like Fred Astaire
people keep staring
thinking I'm mad
Life is so beautiful
today you said "YES"

31
A lover's gift

The fragrance
of a flower grows faint
the colors of its petal
slowly fade
let hesitation
not be the reason
a lover's gift
is also like a flower

32
Love anonymous

Hiding love deep within
a pearl of brightest sheen
in the dark away from sight
will fate be kind and let it
see the light

33
Across the sands

Swiftly across
the burning sands
no fang or claws of steel
will love be denied
A lover's tryst....

WRITER'S BLOCK

34
A is for apple
An apple for the doctor,
in exchange for a love pill
Or a poem a day
to keep the blues away

35
Limiricks

Don't even know
what's an anapestic line
but writing limericks in the buff
might be the answer to writer's block !!

36
Soul of a poem

A well written verse
with metered measured
rhymes and rhythm

syntax and syllables
in their proper places
Only one thing is missing

Where is the soul?

37
Salt and Pepper

The poem's too sweet
too much sugary verse

Needs pepper for heat
passion and tears

Add salt to the wound
for an "Ouch" or a yelp!

38
Bone dry

Drip,drip,drip
ideas come in drips
Stare,stare,stare
the screen stares back

39
Cobwebs of my mind

A spider spins her web
to trap flying insects
my mind's full of cobwebs
catching ideas for a poem?

40
Torch

Steel door with no key in sight
ideas lock deep inside
give me a torch
for my inspiration

41
Death throes

A germinating seed
breaks out of earth's womb
overgrown weeds
slowly choke it to death

42
Expired

A piece of poem
with no sense or rhyme
Get it off my chest
exhale,exhale

43
Zooommmm

Ándale! ándale!
goes Speedy Gonzales

Beep! Beep!
taunts the road runner

Ideas slip pass
Zooommmm .... they're gone!!

44
Insomniac muse

Tempestuous temptress
in unexpected moments
most inconsiderate of all the muses
grant me rest,,,"""!!! let me sleep

SCREAM

45
screeeech and screammm

Fused flesh and bones
amalgamated with steel.

a twisted face
mocks passersby

scrape every pieces
strewn helter- skelter

then tag 'n bag'em
let's not keep forensics waiting :)


46
Poe's scream

Scream in tortured silence
no one can hear
life's umbilical cord forever severed
buried and forgotten in the deep recesses
only the maggots retain
decayed memories eaten with relish

47
Recipe for ...a screammm

In Jack's old haunting ground
the mad cow's on the prowl
the whore's liver ripped off whole
a foie gras for Hannibal's delight

48
Balut(a screaming delight)

Duck egg ready to hatch
the body's well form

You see eyes and beck
with down feathers too

Cook in boiling water
aborts the chick's birth

Crack open its shell
a pinch of salt to taste

Eaten plain or
with a bottle of beer

yummmy!!!
Hannibal would agree

49
fowl and nasty

Pieces of turd falling from the sky
this poem's nasty, I'm in a foul mood
I hope a piece hits him over the head
He did it again
the ""!!!..:@)..""plumber overcharged me

RELIGION

50
Psychos in God's service

No, I ain't talking Hitchcock
Norman's quiet normal
compared to the crazies
in my nightmare's bistro

With the day's menu on hand
these servants of God ask me
"What will it be sir,Heaven or Hell?

I chose heaven (but of course)
"Sorry sir, are you in the A-list?
Please fill up this form in triplicate
and wait for your name to be called
while we confirm through
the district and local jurisdiction
your attendance in your parish chapter

Strong arms suddenly appear
grabbing me with impunity
"Sorry, but you're in the shit-list"
(so we go to hell)

With a smirk on their faces they ask
"What would your preference be?"
bake,broil,roasted or grilled
............hehehe
but definitely well-done

I try to awake before I'm done for
a futile attempt
to escape their clutches

So in Lucifer's Hell kitchen
I write this piece
my 50th hub
while my bottom slowly
turn red and crisp :-(((

PLUS ONE....   

51
The Last Hurrah
(dying with a happy smile)


Like rusty nails peeking
through thin slats of wood
that have seen better days

A rooster too old to crow
at the top of the roof
stares idly at the young chicks

Sitting in peaceful solitude
I muse the passing days
in an old rickety rocking chair

The pesky ding ding
of a crack door bell
brings me out of my senile reverie

Heaving blubber under loose skin
this old codger grumpily rises
to confront and confound

Uninvited guest a rarity these days
could it be the neighbor's wife
who's got a thing for me

Rising my heart beat as I amble along
the bellicose bell continued ringing
on this hot and humid day

Reaching for the doorknob to steady myself
a moment's respite to calm the nerves
I open the door to my everlasting regret

Avon lady in a radiant shining halo
with Handel's music playing in the background
a walking wet dream on my front porch

Heart beating wildly..I can feel my rpm rising
compression and fire breathing piston
valve ports ignite into combustion.......

the last hurrah as the old valve finally conk out......;(